Some days I’m happy, and im okay with it….other days, it still hits me pretty hard and i don’t know what to do…i just kinda have to deal with it…whats the point of telling you if nothing will ever change…you’ll just get pissy like the way that you do and it would just make it worse because its like what i feel doesn’t matter like its not important no big deal….so im sorry if im lying to you by pretending im okay when im really not….

There’s a fine line between being independent and choosing to be alone. I don’t want to be alone but sometimes i don’t have a choice. And sometimes its in those moments that my brain thinks about stupid shit that i have to mentally shake myself and snap out of it. But it can be difficult to turn off those thoughts. And i don’t really ask for help because, from experience, people don’t want to hear about other people’s drama or they’ll just get frustrated with me because my thought process is like that. So what do i do? I just want somebody to talk to but it just feels like everyone is too busy to say hey how are you or everything will be okay. I don’t want to cut myself off from people. Keeping myself from doing something stupid because no one is paying attention still doesn’t come easily even though i feel like i’ve been doing it most of my life and still do. I have to. I’m tired but I have to… just because… maybe someone out there just might appreciate it…

the feelings…. are getting….. stronger….. oh no no no no….

A month and a half… so much has happened…

In the month of June alone, there’s been relationships ending in break ups, separation, divorce… there’s been couples celebrating anniversaries, engagements, weddings, and births! Yes, these are all friends of mine. I know each and every person who had at least one of those happen to in the last month.

This merry month of July, however, is a different story…

It started off pretty roughly with some remains of drama that got dragged out from my break up where it spanned about two states and people were involving themselves because they just couldn’t keep their mouths shut. But I’m not touching on that subject any more as far as that. Although it has given me a new perspective on people and my trust issues just got a bit worse after that.

And then I met someone —- okay I did not actually “meet” him, I mean he’s always been there, in the background, I just never took notice. We started to hang out and just getting to know each other as friends — but not right away, of course! It was at least a couple of weeks after the break up. Found that we have shit loads in common, matter of fact it’s just a little too much that it’s freakin me out a bit.  Right down to the same gum? Come on now…. it’s just too weird. But more later…

Ex and I started conversing again recently… trying to be friends but I don’t think that’s going to work out right now. We saw each other at least twice last week, with other people present of course, and both times it was a bit awkward for me. More so the second time, actually, because he was giving me googly eyes and sitting next to me. Just didn’t really need that. And I felt somewhat out of place in that crowd now…. so yeah more awkwardness.

I love my job. Well, let me rephrase that — I loved where I work. The people, the clientele, the atmosphere. It’s very chill. Until recently. The other employees and I always talked about how much fun it would be to hang out together after work some time. Because we’re all soo different but mesh well together. I suppose that doesn’t really work outside of work? Because now, there’s so much drama going on that it’s making the workplace a bit harder to tolerate for me. The atmosphere has changed drastically and the rumor-mill just keeps on turning, everyday, something is going on and it’s just…. I don’t like inter-office bullshit!!! Makes it a hostile environment to work in and I don’t do well in that and I don’t think anyone else likes dealing with it either.

So New Guy and I have been spending a lot of time together in the last two or so weeks… we text a lot too. I had to change my plan to include more texting lol just accommodate that. Sad, right? We have a ton of fun hanging out like going to the park or going out to eat and such. We are becoming fast friends, good friends, and talking to him a lot, getting to know him better, has really filled in lot of holes and/or gaps I had been missing from my past relationship actually… well just having somebody to talk to about anything, even if it’s just bullshit, it’s really awesome! A little attention is kinda nice too. But mostly I’ve been grateful to just have a friend——

——-until he spilled his guts to me merely days ago saying he had feelings for me. This is where it gets complicated. Just wait for it….

I broke up with Ex because I needed time for myself. Just to think about what I really want to do and just to kind of push the reset button in my life and start over. Just focus on me right now.

And then ^THAT^ happens. But New Guy says he understands that I can not go in that direction right now and he’s totally okay with us just being friends. I suppose we’ll have to see how long this lasts.

I woke up this morning to a text message from my friend at church who says she’ll be working in the same store as me but in a different location. Funny story — she’ll be working in the same store as New Guy’s Ex who happens to be his BFF and a manager in that store. Hah! Hilarious, right? My sides are splitting. Apparently, from what I’ve been told, New Guy has told his BFF-Ex a lot about me and I suppose when she comes to find out about my friend working there now, I don’t know what’s going to happen. lol. Which is fine because it’s not like I hang out with my church friend that much anyway so not much info will be had from that.

More complication —- I think, I’m pretty sure, probably, that there might be some feelings developing on my end for New Guy. Which is bad because it’s really not what I need right now.

So I’m kinda stressed out… lol. But life is good nonetheless. I got a 2nd job lined up and I’m hoping to be able to finally establish some sort of career in that job eventually. I just need something solid for a good foundation when it comes to having a career in this business. I have a lot of experience but haven’t really been lucky with umm opportunities I guess. But I’m hoping and praying that this is it and that things could only go up from here :)

*big sigh*

Four years. How did that go? Takes half that to get over it. Something to that extent.

I still love him. And I always will. I miss him everyday.

But I am done. I feel so drained… spent… making excuses, pretending everything is okay, holing myself up, being extra lazy!

I want to go out there and paint the town bright neon pink!

It’s almost a month now… it feels easier to breathe… but it still hurts sometimes…

After four years, I lost it all in one night.

The only mistake I did, the regret I have, is not ending it as soon as I felt it was over. I let it go on for so long thinking that something would change… but it just made me see that it just wasn’t going to work out. Be that as it may, I should not have waited so long, I should not have been playing games because in the end, I lost so much more than I could handle.

It’s great that you make the other person better. It’s great that you fill in the gaps and holes of their life. It’s great that you make them happy. But if they’re not doing the same for you, then it just won’t work. It’s supposed to go both ways.

I made my life about him, I didn’t even see my friends anymore. That was my mistake too. I love too much and give more than I have. Thinking that it would be different this time because he wasn’t like the others.

I’m going to miss the little perks like the free movies and such. Fireworks just won’t be the same anymore. Renaissance Faire. Boardgames. D&D. Almost all the stuff we did together is not going to be easy to do on my own now. Some I probably won’t be doing anymore. And it hurts thinking about it. I don’t know but I think I may have also lost some friends I met through him. As they are his friends initially. That was the thing I feared the most.

I really regret waiting so long because it hurt more. It turned me out into the bad guy. I realize that. I admit it. I regret it. I take responsibility for it.

It just wasn’t working out for me.

I’m going ice skating with friends after work! I haven’t gone ice skating since I was twelve and I lack any and all skill that involves being on ice standing on thin blades. But we’ll get a group rate if enough of us go! Yay for cheap outings! :P

I didn’t always live here. I lived somewhere else. Despite of some stuff happening, I had a decent life — filld with great friends and it was just fulfilling — I even loved my job.

Living here has changed me in ways that I can’t even see the old me anymore. I’m still me but different — hopefully in a good way.

I made new friends of course but no one could ever replace the old ones I had.

The feeling of familiarity and finding my “nitch” over there was great. But I’ve lost that here. I don’t know where I belong anymore…. where I fit in.

The feeling of emptiness and being lost is overwhelming sometimes to the point of crying myself to sleep.

So I find myself crying out to God whenever I get that way.

And I know he hears me because I feel it deep within me and gives me a sense of inner peace. And gives me hope and teaches me to be patient.

I still dwell on and mourn over the things I’ve lost that I thought were the best I’ve ever had in my life. I suppose I haven’t completely let it go…

I’m not embarassed to admit that I’m haning on to God on a single thread and waiting for him to bless me with something so much better than I thought was the best.

I think it might be a while… but it’s okay. I trust Him. And for something this big…. I can wait.

Let go and Let God. Right?