In my heart, I believe in a lot of things that are true for me personally when it comes to my beliefs. I believe in one God — my God. I believe in having a personal relationship with my God. I pray so much more now than I used to… praying to Him is my way of having a closeness to Him — it justifies my relationship to Him. I am never truly alone. I know that God is always with me, remaining faithful to me in everything that I do. He is my solid ground and the only thing keeping me from getting to a breaking point of no return.

Sure, I have questioned my beliefs. Often times for earthly reasons. Selfishness and the like. I’m the kind of person who always gets caught up in the moment and doesn’t think twice about anything. I let earthly desires control me, I’ve let the suffering control me. I’ve cried out to Jesus when the pain reaches my soul. He doesn’t always answer — at least not in that moment. But I’ve always known, deep inside of me, that no matter what, the Holy Spirit is within me, God the Father hears me, and Jesus Christ is with me.

However, I will have to admit that I am not an avid churchgoer. But I go to church because my whole family does. And they are all active church members. As am I. I sing in the church choir and have recently joined with the praise team where I get to sing holding a microphone. Yikes. And I go to a church that is very community oriented — it’s an ethnicity church too so 99% of its members are of the same ethnic background. Church members also consists of up to four generations of family members — pretty cool, huh? 

BUT… here’s the thing… And I want to point out that I am not singling out just my church. 

Is it bad if I don’t believe some of what my church believes in? Is it bad that I don’t believe or necessarily agree with some of what my pastors preach / teach?

I don’t like being guilt tripped into believing what they believe to be right or wrong. I don’t like worrying about what they think if I share my opinion regarding my disagreement with them — which is why I don’t share. I hear questions asked during bible study, and the answers aren’t always what I expect it would be. Credit is due to the clergy, of course, because they have studied and done their research, have more experience — so of course they know what they’re talking about.

What happens if I do get my opinionated nature get the best of me? Will the pastors look at me differently? Will the pastor’s wife treat me any differently? Who exactly am I trying to please — the clergy or God? For some reason, I am truly convinced that judgement will come upon me by the clergy themselves and worry about my salvation if I don’t do everything they tell me I’m supposed to be doing to be able to “enter the kingdom of heaven.” Like going to church every Sunday or attend every Bible Study.

I mean…

Harry Potter, Twilight, Charmed… by watching these shows, am I condemned?

Spreading the Word of God… if I don’t make a believer out of you, am I in trouble?

If I don’t go to church every Sunday, or miss a Bible Study here and there… will you stop being my friend?

If I drink on occasion…. am I going to get kicked out of church?

What about my free will? God gave me that. Don’t I get to use it? 

==

I think I am more worried about people’s reactions to my actions when I don’t do what they expect me to — ie: Church stuff.

Do I sound lost? I accepted Christ as my savior when I was sixteen. But do I still sound lost?

Does this make me a false Christian?